I met two young men on North West Avenue (Baltimore) both aged 15, both gang affiliated, both struggling with issues of trust of older men. Each one carrying the burden of fatherlessness, a lost childhood, combined with grieving the loss of many of their friends, who had become casualties of ‘street warfare’. They represent a generation without fathers. These young men shared stories and highlighted the invisibility and absence of nurturing and older loving men in their lives. For these fatherless children there was a familiar cry and pain and hurt, combined with the inability to deal with the loss of their closest and most significant male role model. What happens when the support's not there? When you feel unable to get up in the morning, face the day, or be able to reach out to anyone? That is my reflection on these two young men. These young men were desperately lonely, isolated, and unaware of what positive things can happen in their lives. This results in carrying a painful past, with un resolved issues, the trauma of a troubled past manifesting in living in dark void. Being in the gang they experience a sense of belonging, love, and security. Not the kind that the average person knows, but one that carries extreme risk.
Being fatherless for both of them is a label that at times is difficult, confusing, and full of external & internal conflicts. This can result in a daily struggle and at times can result in a loss of identity as a young man. The burden of depression; the weight of helplessness; and the pain of not having those you love and care for is crushingly painful. They merely exist in the confines of the inner city, the world of materialism, live a lifestyle with the absence of spiritual values, and the concept of dealing with 'self as part of a process of recovery is alien. For those absent fathers who are responsible for this absence I talk to you. Time can became an excuse for not addressing crucial issues. "I don't have time" "This is not the right time" "You've asked me too many times" "Some other time". All excuses many of us have said and sometimes still do. In an ideal world we should all be able to communicate effectively at the drop of a hat. But if the environment is not right, you don't have the space in your head, or it's just bad timing, we will oppose anything that highlights our vulnerabilities. As the media grips our consciousness, we talk to each other less, and rely heavily on TV to provide us with little or nothing in the way of guidance or upliftment. By default, meaningful communication or anything philosophical appears to be old fashioned, as we are supposed to believe that the new technologies such as The Internet, Mobile Phones, etc have replaced face-to-face communication.
As the lack of communication from many men assists in the decline of the community, the problems of getting us to talk to each other are escalating. Unprecedented levels of personal violence is on the increase; the extended family is becoming extinct; elders wisdom is in short supply; relationships are struggling to stay afloat; and we have all become casualties as many men walk around in a SELF-DESTRUCT mode. We can procrastinate, protest, fight each other, hold conferences, write another report, and employ numerous other strategies as a way of trying to unravel what is going wrong. If we ploughed all of that energy into meaningful communication with our sons we would save time, effort, money, and relationships. We would also provide a way back from the wilderness, and place words like community, self-love, sharing, and togetherness at the forefront of our vocabulary. Effective communication between us should involve a variety of approaches, but none of them are a substitute for talking, sharing, and listening. As I leave these young men prowling the streets of Baltimore I wish I could do more. We talked, smiled, laughed, shared our stories, but the reality of their plight was still unresolved. I also wonder how they will manage their own journey into fatherhood.
If only ……………..
Peace
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