Why is this trip important? This is a recurring question in my mind. At the age of 53, I am living in a community in crisis; I desire to have an easier life, as well as nursing an inner need to come off the treadmill (that has become the way most of us live now). Quite simply being in mid-life kick starts the process of personal reclamation by being propelled less by the need for status but more one of purpose. Applying for and being awarded the Fellowship, organising the schedule, and preparing for this trip has at times been tiring, hard to switch off from, incredibly time consuming, but exhilarating at the same time. On both a personal and professional level I have struggled with many aspects of my own development as a man, based on never having experienced positive fathering from my natural father. Needless to say he was absent in my life only to appear in my 30’s and then drop out of my life again due to his premature death. So I only met him 3 times in my whole life. This is not an academic position, but one rooted in experiencing a constant sense of loss at never having known what it was like to have that significant man in your life for birthdays, trips, schooling, or important conversations.
This has had a knock on effect in terms of my own parenting. Fatherless, father deficit, or the hunger of that most significant male figure in your life leaves many of us with a void that cries out to be filled, but seldom happens. For many men the inability to share thoughts, be listened to, or to feel understood, generates the kind of internal oppression that all too often leads to isolation and withdrawal. This can and does develop internal negative perceptions of ‘self’. For some men this ‘absence of being’ is made worse by being held captive inside a system that despite its claim to enable the restoration of purpose it still leans heavily towards punishment as a deterrent to problems created through socio-historical reasons. Hence prison, church, and community are held captive to a problematic process of rehabilitating young men, who find solace in the confine of the extended family network defined as a gang.
Deep down I’m dissatisfied with the current state of things and feel the need to create some new levels of understanding around notions of the ‘male condition’ as a consequence of father’s absence, as well as giving voice for those of us who have been impacted by something that was not of our making. I want us to go from coping to survival, survival to liberation. As the National Trust for the Development of African American Men, cite in their logo “From Liability to An Asset “… it is possible to make more responsible men, better fathers, stronger sons, which in itself makes the community a better place to inhabit. Such a process is vital if we are to break the cycle of negative behaviour within families and communities.” By embracing a new journey in my life, I am hoping other men will be encouraged to find new purpose and experience personal growth. I offer this poem for those reading my blog who are in a similar place as me. Without atonement there can be no redemption. I do not blame my fathers absence for all the things that have gone wrong in my life, but I have carried the burden of his mistakes for too long now. It is time to let them go. Baltimore has provided me with the space to begin a new journey.
Crossroads
Lost in the abyss ..... was stuck behind the door
Drowning in self-pity ... ‘N’ emotionally poor
Going thru’ a re-birth with a spiritual placenta
I’m arriving at the crossroads .... the sign outside says enter
Like a broken jigsaw .... I am on the mend
This struggle cannot continue ... my struggle has to end
I am at the crossroads ...
Need to change the pattern ‘N’ make some different choices
Tired of the cracked record .... need to hear some different voices
Know it’s time to reclaim myself .... my broken wings must fly
Know it’s time to climb the mountain .... no more asking why?
I am at the crossroads ‘n’ feeling overjoyed
Transition .. transformation .. then the filling of the void
I am at the crossroads ...
Know I have shed a skin ‘N’ accept that I have now grown
Know this phoenix has risen ‘N’ a new seed has been sown
Love shouts very loudly .. calling out my name
Cannot push it back anymore ... coz I understand the gain
I’m walking past the crossroads .... I’m excited as I enter
Spirit wraps its arms around me .. I am glad that God has sent her
I am at the crossroads
As the light shines thru’ the darkness .. I can now see clear
Once there was pure darkness ... now there is less fear
Life’s no longer a mystery ... I understand the plot
Wisdom holds me gently .. teaches me what is from what’s not
No longer at the crossroads .. the threshold has been breached
But the journey will continue ... until the destination has been reached
No longer at the crossroads ...
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